Fair warning: this post is going to be long. We have a lot to go over! The Big Brother 13 cast was finally revealed this morning on The Early Show! It’s official–there will be returning players! Aside from 8 fresh faces, there will be 3 (I believe) “Dynamic Duos from the past” returning as houseguests this summer. This could be good or bad depending on who comes back, I think, though I suspect that if the new houseguests have any sense, the duos will be on the block early and often. On the CBS website, there’s a poll asking which duo you think will return. Don’t be fooled–CBS has already made its decision and this is not a vote that counts for anything. Anyway, here are our candidates for the returning duos this season:
Brendan and Rachel, BB12
Ew ew ew ew ew. I just can’t deal with how disgusting these two are. From their attention-whorish behavior in the house last season to their pathetic dick-pic scandal outside the house (I feel like I need a shower after typing that), I have had my fill of these two idiots. Sadly, because they’re so polarizing and obnoxious, they are most likely to be cast this season. Let’s all just hope they’re booted early.
Dr. Will & Mike Boogie, All-Stars
Chilltown! I would be OK with them coming back. They were hilarious and maniacal on All-Stars and both deserving winners. I’m hoping they’re one of the pairs, but I doubt it since they’ve both won once and haven’t been involved in the show for a very long time. I think they’ve both moved on and I’d be pretty surprised if they signed up again.
Jessie and Natalie, BB11
Another yucky pair. Jessie is terrible and I really don’t understand why they keep bringing him back every friggin’ season. He has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. And Natalie was just useless and boring. I’m hoping this is a no go.
Evel Dick & Daniele, BB8
Another pair I’d be OK with. Daniele was pretty intelligent in her season and I think she’d have more to bring to the table now that she’s matured a bit. Dick was, of course, an evil genius and one of the best villains ever. Unfortunately I don’t think they are very likely to be cast since Daniele is currently hosting a web show on SuperPass with BB12’s Ragan, and its final episode is slated for next Tuesday (the rest of the cast has already been sequestered for a while now). If there’s a guest host on the last episode then we’ll have a better idea.
Jeff & Jordan, BB11
Yes, please! These two are adorable. Their banter was hilarious and the fact that they just refused to take part in all the idiotic drama of their season was awesome. I would love to see them again, and since they are one of the most popular pairs in BB history (with additional stints on The Amazing Race and CBS.com’s Around the World For Free), I wouldn’t be surprised if they came back. We need a pair like this to offset the horror of a pair like Brenchel.
Hayden & Enzo, BB12
Last season, the three dumbos of the Brigade (after they got rid of Matt and his awesomeness) were genuinely convinced that the show would lead them to movie deals, their own reality shows, and other delusions of grandeur. While I have to give Hayden props for charming his way to victory, they were cocky, irritating and stupid. Enzo (I mean the Meow Meow) was the worst of the three. I hated him almost as much as I hated Rachel. I’m pretty convinced that Brenchel will be returning this season, though, so another pair from BB12 is unlikely.
I’m sure we won’t know who the returnees are until the show premieres a week from today. Luckily the rest of the cast was released this morning, so we have some information on each of them. I’ll share my thoughts, but I find that typically my first impressions of the houseguests are pretty wrong and after a couple weeks my opinions usually change. For more information, watch the cast videos on CBS.com. I have to say, I’m surprised that as a whole the cast is older, and not as full of fake-breasted, human growth hormone-supplemented, model/actor weenies from LA like usual. Check them out:
Porsche, 23
Name: Porsche Briggs
Age: 23
Hometown: Fort Lauderdale, Fla. (living in Miami Beach, Fla.)
Occupation: VIP Cocktail Waitress
Three adjectives that describe you: Sexy, bitchy and clever
Strategy for winning BIG BROTHER: Try not to blow up at too many people.
Which past Big Brother cast member did you like most or least? Natalie Martinez – I love that she straight up lied to everyone and it worked. We are around the same age so I hate that she had the idea and chance before me.
Another VIP Cocktail Waitress? And she thinks she’s sexy, bitchy and clever? Who appears to be wearing that swan dress that Bjork wore to the Grammys that one time? Raise your hand if you think her given name is Jennifer. It’s funny that she describes herself as so volatile, yet in her video interview on CBS.com she says that people will be surprised that she’s “…a pretty girl who’s not a complete bitch to everyone.” She also mentions that she left behind “…a ton of friends, my family, and both my cell phones to be here.” Sounds like she has a very fulfilling life. By the way, dummy, Natalie’s “straight up” lie to everyone did NOT work. Remember how everyone found out about it and thought she was an idiot and didn’t vote for her to win? I’m sure Jennifer Porsche will bring a lot to the table this season (eyeroll).
Shelly, 41
Name: Shelly Moore
Age: 41
Hometown: Centerville, Ohio (living in Prairieville, La.)
Occupation: Outdoors Industry Executive
Three adjectives that describe you: Dynamic, tenacious and giving
What do you think will be the most difficult part about living inside the BIG BROTHER house? (Dealing with) the filth of people who don’t clean up their stuff. The other hard part would be sleeping in a room with people who snore. Also, popping a zit in front of America would be a new challenge.
Strategy for winning BIG BROTHER: I’m a leader, a ring leader and a team builder. I would try to pull a good group of people together that could mutually benefit from the arrangement.
What is the accomplishment you are most proud of? My daughter. Every smile, every hug, every word… she is part of her daddy and me.
I think I like Shelly. She seems very down to earth. She sort of reminds me of Holly from Survivor: Nicaragua. Sweet, kind, funny, charming, but also tough and intelligent. I could definitely also see her annoying the hell out of her housemates though. When she says she’s a ringleader and a team builder, that can be code for pushy and irritating. Especially if she grates on people for not cleaning. I could also see her going down the path of Kathy from BB12 who seemed incredibly interesting (really good looking 40something cop from a hick town, cancer survivor, etc.) but turned out to be a complete dud. I like you so far, Shelly, and I wish you well.
Lawon, 39
Name: Lawon Exum
Age: 39
Hometown: Urbana, Ill. (living in Inglewood, Calif.)
Occupation: Legal File Clerk
Three adjectives that describe you: “Handsomexy” (handsome and sexy, because I am inside and out) and clever.
Favorite activities: My favorite activity is exercising because it keeps my mind sharp and me looking “handsomefied.” I also like to travel with friends to experience different cities and cultures.
What do you think will be the most difficult part about living inside the BIG BROTHER house? The most difficult part will be adjusting to housemate’s hygiene habits.
Strategy for winning BIG BROTHER: I will use my personality, style, gift of gab and cleverness to win Big Brother.
What is the accomplishment you are most proud of? There are so many! If I have to pick one it would be losing 54 pounds and maintaining my weight loss for the last 15 years.
Finish this sentence: My life’s motto is… some people got IT and some people don’t. Now go get it.
What would you take into the house and why? My face clippers so I can always stay camera-ready, a treadmill to stay in shape and a laptop so I can stay in touch with my family and friends.
What would you do if BIG BROTHER made you famous? I would show the entertainment world that there are still normal human beings in Hollywood and give back to my hometown, Urbana, Illinois.
Oh my God. Yikes. They cast The Ladies Man from SNL on BB this season!!!! What a special treat! Seriously though, this guy is the biggest weiner/tool/idiot ever. From his Saturday Night Fever outfit to his “handsomefied” appearance……just……..wow. He reminds me of Andrew from last year. Remember Andrew? He thought he was ridiculously suave, but really had no social skills and made everyone uncomfortable? Yeah, that’s this guy. HANDSOMEXY? Jesus, just kill me now if this guy isn’t voted out immediately. Although, it will probably be pretty funny to watch his ego deflate more and more over time. He’s such a caricature that there’s absolutely no way anyone will take him seriously.
Keith, 32
Name: Keith Henderson
Age: 32
Hometown: Bolingbrook, Ill.
Occupation: Human Resources Manager
Three adjectives that describe you: Charming, adorable and kiss-ass
Favorite activities: Working out, hanging out with my friends, dancing, writing poetry, going to church and doing anything spontaneous.
What do you think will be the most difficult part about living inside the BIG BROTHER house? Nothing – I deal with human capital (people) on a regular basis.
Strategy for winning BIG BROTHER: I’m going to use my HR charm to get people to trust and love me and then I will stab them if I need to. I’ll have the women swooning over me and the guys wanting to be on my team. It’s the perfect strategy.
Which past BIG BROTHER cast member did you like most or least? I loved BB2 Chill Town, first-ever alliance.
What would you take into the house and why? My toothbrush, because my smile is key, and a Bible to keep me grounded.
Keith impresses me. His smile is absolutely infectious and he seems adorable and lovable. But he’s also got a strategy and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to win. He seems waaaaay too focused on girls (his favorite player ever is BB8’s Jen because she’s “good to look at”), so hopefully that doesn’t derail him. I could see him becoming Porsche’s lapdog. But I like him!
Kalia, 30
Name: Kalia Booker
Age: 30
Hometown: Philadelphia, Pa. (living in Los Angeles)
Occupation: Writer
Three adjectives that describe you: Anyone who can describe themselves in three adjectives is pretty boring but if I have to: dramatic, adventurous and gregarious
Strategy for winning BIG BROTHER: None. Everybody loves me! I’ll be there until the end.
Which past BIG BROTHER cast member did you like most or least? I loved Dr. Will. He played the crap out of everyone and no one knew the wiser. I loved James for the same reasons. I also love Janelle because she was super cute, but could back it up by winning competitions. She should have won the game.
What would you do if BIG BROTHER made you famous? Probably be famous… hang out with Lindsay Lohan or something.
Kalia’s bio says very little about her, so I recommend watching her interview on CBS.com. I’m really still on the fence about her. She talks about how manipulative she is and how she’s going to lie to everyone and totally dominate the psychological aspect of the game. I like that philosophy, but how many people have we seen over the years go in thinking they’re the second coming of Dr. Will, completely overplay their hand in the first couple of weeks and then totally flop (ahem, Ronnie)? If she really does what she says she’s going to, then I’ll love her, but I expect her to flame out fast.
Dominic, 25
Name: Dominic Briones
Age: 25
Hometown: San Mateo, Calif.
Occupation: College Student at San Francisco State
Three adjectives that describe you: Funny, outgoing and good-hearted
Strategy for winning BIG BROTHER: Build trust, build alliances and make friends. Together we are strong, apart we fall. Also, I don’t want to be too strong too soon. Flying under the radar in the beginning is key.
Which past BIG BROTHER cast member did you like most or least? I like Jeff for sure. He seemed like a cool dude and played the game well. Even though he didn’t win, he was well liked and won “America’s Favorite Houseguest.” I didn’t like Jesse because he was too cocky.
What are you afraid of? I’m afraid of STDs. Everything else, I can adapt to.
What is the accomplishment you are most proud of? Having amazing relationships with my family and close friends. Honestly, at the end of my life, that’s what is most important to me. How many people can say they really love their family?
Dominic is another one I’m on the fence about. He reminds me of last year’s Hayden, with a dash of douche mixed in. Overall he seems pretty low-key and laid back, which is always refreshing. He’s very smart to try to fly under the radar in the beginning, but I hope he knows when it’s time to step up to the plate, which isn’t always easy to figure out.
Cassi, 26
Name: Cassi Colvin
Age: 26
Hometown: Allen, Texas (living in Nashville, Tenn.)
Occupation: Model
Three adjectives that describe you: Stubborn, sincere and funny
Favorite activities: My favorite thing to do is to sit around (preferably outside and with men) and have a couple of beers.
Strategy for winning BIG BROTHER: I’m going to play the same way I live – be sweet and kind to everyone but always remember it’s a game and everyone’s in it for themselves. My plan is to stay neutral, fly under the radar, don’t be a threat and play well in competitions.
Finish this sentence: My life’s motto is… go hard or not at all. Suck everything you can out of life and live with no regrets. Never treat anyone as if they’re less than you because you haven’t walked in their shoes.
What would you do if BIG BROTHER made you famous? Fame has never been something I’ve actively sought out, but if it happened through the show I would absolutely exploit it to the fullest. It would be a reward and blessing to know I have the tools to always support my family and myself.
At first glance, I have to admit I totally judged Cassi and thought she was going to be an annoying bitch. But I actually really like her. She’s very down to earth and she seems like a really nice person. I can see her going far because she’ll likely be nice to everyone, she’s gorgeous and she has a good strategy.
Adam, 39
Name: Adam Poch
Age: 39
Hometown: East Brunswick, N.J. (living in Hoboken, N.J.)
Occupation: Music Inventory Manager
Three adjectives that describe you: Funny, loud and cuddly
Favorite activities: Concerts, dining out, movies, TV, Broadway plays, hanging with friends and traveling.
Strategy for winning BIG BROTHER: I am a born leader and a very friendly guy, so it will not be hard for me to make friends. Most of all, I plan to stay cool with as many people as possible so that whoever has power will not view me as a threat.
Which past BIG BROTHER cast member did you like most or least? Like: Evel Dick, Howie, Ronnie, Janelle and Rachel. Dislike: Cappy, Ivette and that whole Nerd Herd.
I like this guy. He seems like he’ll be laid back and fun to hang out with, but I sort of get an unstable vibe from him, like if you hurt his feelings he’ll freak out and make everyone uncomfortable. But if he doesn’t he’ll be great. I like that he’s a hardcore BB fan, too.
I think this season has a pretty great cast lined up! I’m very interested to see how they all interact with one another, and who the returnees will be. The returning duos will definitely throw some wrenches in the newbies’ plans. Only one more week!
The Armchair Strategist 
