Photoshop by Sportsman at SurvivorSucks
Sorry I’m posting this so late, but I had to breathe through a paper bag for a full 24 hours after last night’s tribal. That will definitely go down in the annals of Survivor’s most memorable tribal councils (right up there with Paschal’s purple rock, Becky’s and Sundra’s pathetic firemaking skills, James being booted with 2 idols, and pretty much every tribal council in Micronesia). We got it all last night–arguments! deception! asinine usage of idols! ties! backstabbing! name-calling! Rick’s mustache! Sophie’s mustache!
Ultimately, I think the right person was booted and Cochran made the right choice in flipping. He put himself in a terribly, terribly stupid position where he had to burn half the tribe no matter what he did, but Upolu is a way more reliable, solid (read: not retarded) alliance to be a part of than Savaii. I’m very, very interested to see how Cochran tries to swing this all to his original tribemates.
How everyone is measuring up at this point:
- Dawn: I really like her and she’s playing a decent game, but she won’t make it to finals. She has no close allies and she’s far too likable for anyone to want to take her to the end.
- Ozzy: The worst. Will never win. Too stupid, too egocentric, too over-the-top. Please, please, please, O Survivor gods, let this be his last appearance on the show.
- Jim: Great strategist, but I think he’s too cutthroat to win jury votes.
- Keith: Non-entity in the game. And his stupid compass tattoo bothers me.
- Whitney: Even less of an entity than Keith. Nothing comes to mind when I think about her except “southern accent” and “neon bra in the first episode.”
- Cochran: Still my favorite, but he screwed himself. He’s not a physical threat at all (duh), so hopefully he’ll be able to mend fences enough to make it to the end. I think he lost a lot of jury votes last night, unfortunately.
- Coach: Megadouche, but he’s in good enough standing with his tribe to make it quite far (he’ll never win, though).
- Edna: Great strategy, not so great execution sometimes. Probably won’t make it to finals unless Coach is there as well.
- Albert: Sitting pretty at this point. He’s a huge threat to make it to the end (and win), which is exactly why he won’t.
- Brandon: Totally certifiable, but I like him. He’s well-intentioned and extremely naive, which is appealing as a viewer. He’s likely to be brought to the end as a goat, but he’ll never win.
- Sophie: Playing an awesomely subtle game. She’s in a solid alliance, she’s aggressive but not outwardly so, she’s not a physical threat and she knows how to keep her mouth shut. There’s a real possibility she’ll win if she makes it.
- Rick: I want to see more of him. I’d vote him most likely to be brought to the end for doing absolutely nothing.
p.s. Te Tuna just might be the worst merge name in the history of the show. Right up there with Nobag (“It’s Gabon backwards!”).
I’m not really going to get into the Redemption Island duel, since it was boring and a waste of time (mostly because I haven’t cared an iota about any duelee so far this season). Moving on…
Ozzy Fails at Strategy
I love a good blindside. I especially love when a delusional weenie with a God complex finds out no one respects him (and no, I’m not talking about Coach). Ozzy really brought the crazy tonight, first trying to calmly reason it out with his tribe. Only, “I’m now what they call a free agent,” isn’t really reasonable.
Once Ozzy realized that road would lead to nowhere, he switched gears and tried to play the victim. When Dawn (love her!) called him out for being a hypocrite, Ozzy just lost it. He blurted out in frustration that he has the hidden immunity idol.
The next day, he realized how screwed he was and tried to spin the whole idol blab as “trying to reunify” with everyone. In his confessional, he said he was trying to just do his best and “lead by example.” I’m sorry, Ozzy, what are you leading? Your alliance of one? Or your tribe of people who neither like nor respect you? Cochran said it best: “He’s just behaving like a stupid bitch.”
Mikayla Fails at Slingshots, Life
Mikayla really did suck at the immunity challenge. And she was a stubborn dumbass for not just dropping out when it became obvious that her coconut-slinging skills were subpar. If you suck at a challenge, there’s not much you can do other than step aside so the others can get it done. Refusing to step aside tells the tribe that your ego is more important than teamwork.
I’ve never liked Mikayla. I think she’s whiny, not all that intelligent, and she’s yet to make me laugh at all. Plus, she gave Brandon a tingly feeling in his privates, although I guess I can’t really hold that against her, since that’s about the only entertainment she’s brought to the season. I’m not at all disappointed Mikayla got voted out. I’m just happy they kept Edna. I like Edna. She knows exactly how to kiss Coach’s ass. I hope she makes it far.
- Coach, when considering whether he should tell Brandon about the idol, said “Is witholding information lying? It’s a gray area.” HOW OLD ARE YOU?!
- Rick is no longer invisible! How exciting! Although I must say, his voice is disappointingly un-twangy.
- I love Edna’s makeshift visor. It appears to be made out of a treemail and a string. It makes me laugh every time I see it. It’s just so ridiculous looking.
- Brandon, when trying to tell Jeff that the next challenge was crucial to Upolu’s success post-merge, said “This next challenge is detrimental to the way this game turns out.” It’s OK, Brandon. Words are hard.
- Edna’s little vote confessional to Mikayla was possibly the best I’ve ever heard. As she held up Mikayla’s name, she said, “I hope your time here has helped your future modeling career.” Edna, you passive-aggressive bitch! Brilliant!