Tag Archives: coach wade

Episode 9: Cut Throat 11/9

This week’s episode of Survivor was way over-hyped in promos, but that’s not to say it wasn’t great.  I appreciated the fast-forward, since both eliminations were fairly obvious, and it saved us from an extra episode’s worth of Jim whining (more on that later).

Ozzy Voted Out

Ozzy’s banishment to Redemption Island was the best case scenario for everyone, I think. Upolu (and Cochran) eliminated a huge challenge threat.  All the remaining Savaii members dodged a bullet.  Ozzy, at least for now, can play the game without his self-righteousness and utter lack of social skills getting in the way.  We, the viewers, are being given a break from his his delusional spewing.  It’s a win-win-win-win.

This probably goes without saying, but Ozzy is far too confident about his chances on Redemption Island.  The duels are not run-of-the-mill Survivor obstacle courses.  They typically require some degree of mental ability, which Ozzy clearly lacks.  And now that they’ve merged, he’ll be up against much more worthy opponents.

What Happened to Jim?

I was really starting to like Jim up until he called Cochran a coward two weeks ago.  And no, that’s not just because I’m a Cochran fantard (which I am).  Up until the merge, Jim made it abundantly clear that he was willing to slit any throats necessary to advance himself in the game.  And yet, when someone (Cochran) did it to him, Jim’s all of a sudden on a soapbox made of integrity and righteousness?  Please.  He’s my least favorite type of Survivor player–the one who can dish it out but can’t take it.

He really screwed up with his “rousing speech” strategy, too.  When has that EVER worked?  I get that he was backed into a corner and pretty much had no other options, but the fact that he had even slight confidence in that plan is totally baffling.

Other Stuff

  • Upolu is still solid at this point, but you can see the cracks starting to form.  They’re an alliance of 5 type-A people (and Rick), so I wouldn’t be surprised at all if some splinter groups form within the next couple of weeks.
  • I’m curious how the 3 people on RI thing will play out, because I do recall Jeff Probst saying in an interview (or on twitter, I forget) that there would only be two-person duels this season.
  • Cochran should stop wearing Coach’s blazer.  He looks like a toddler in it.
  • Actually, Coach should stop wearing Coach’s blazer too. He looks like a douche in it.
  • The budding bromance between Cochran and Brandon is absolutely bizarre.  I don’t think it’ll last.
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Midterm Progress Reports! 11/2

benedict cochran

Photoshop by Sportsman at SurvivorSucks

Sorry I’m posting this so late, but I had to breathe through a paper bag for a full 24 hours after last night’s tribal.  That will definitely go down in the annals of Survivor’s most memorable tribal councils (right up there with Paschal’s purple rock, Becky’s and Sundra’s pathetic firemaking skills, James being booted with 2 idols, and pretty much every tribal council in Micronesia). We got it all last night–arguments! deception! asinine usage of idols! ties! backstabbing! name-calling! Rick’s mustache! Sophie’s mustache!

Ultimately, I think the right person was booted and Cochran made the right choice in flipping.  He put himself in a terribly, terribly stupid position where he had to burn half the tribe no matter what he did, but Upolu is a way more reliable, solid (read: not retarded) alliance to be a part of than Savaii.  I’m very, very interested to see how Cochran tries to swing this all to his original tribemates.

How everyone is measuring up at this point:

  • Dawn: I really like her and she’s playing a decent game, but she won’t make it to finals.  She has no close allies and she’s far too likable for anyone to want to take her to the end.
  • Ozzy: The worst.  Will never win.  Too stupid, too egocentric, too over-the-top.  Please, please, please, O Survivor gods, let this be his last appearance on the show.
  • Jim: Great strategist, but I think he’s too cutthroat to win jury votes.
  • Keith: Non-entity in the game.  And his stupid compass tattoo bothers me.
  • Whitney: Even less of an entity than Keith.  Nothing comes to mind when I think about her except “southern accent” and “neon bra in the first episode.”
  • Cochran:  Still my favorite, but he screwed himself.  He’s not a physical threat at all (duh), so hopefully he’ll be able to mend fences enough to make it to the end.  I think he lost a lot of jury votes last night, unfortunately.
  • Coach: Megadouche, but he’s in good enough standing with his tribe to make it quite far (he’ll never win, though).
  • Edna: Great strategy, not so great execution sometimes. Probably won’t make it to finals unless Coach is there as well.
  • Albert: Sitting pretty at this point.  He’s a huge threat to make it to the end (and win), which is exactly why he won’t.
  • Brandon: Totally certifiable, but I like him.  He’s well-intentioned and extremely naive, which is appealing as a viewer.  He’s likely to be brought to the end as a goat, but he’ll never win.
  • Sophie: Playing an awesomely subtle game.  She’s in a solid alliance, she’s aggressive but not outwardly so, she’s not a physical threat and she knows how to keep her mouth shut.  There’s a real possibility she’ll win if she makes it.
  • Rick:  I want to see more of him.  I’d vote him most likely to be brought to the end for doing absolutely nothing.

p.s. Te Tuna just might be the worst merge name in the history of the show.  Right up there with Nobag (“It’s Gabon backwards!”).

Rick Speaks! Episode 6 (10/19)

I’m not really going to get into the Redemption Island duel, since it was boring and a waste of time (mostly because I haven’t cared an iota about any duelee so far this season).  Moving on…

Ozzy Fails at Strategy

I love a good blindside.  I especially love when a delusional weenie with a God complex finds out no one respects him (and no, I’m not talking about Coach).  Ozzy really brought the crazy tonight, first trying to calmly reason it out with his tribe.  Only, “I’m now what they call a free agent,” isn’t really reasonable.

Once Ozzy realized that road would lead to nowhere, he switched gears and tried to play the victim.  When Dawn (love her!) called him out for being a hypocrite, Ozzy just lost it.  He blurted out in frustration that he has the hidden immunity idol.

The next day, he realized how screwed he was and tried to spin the whole idol blab as “trying to reunify” with everyone.  In his confessional, he said he was trying to just do his best and “lead by example.”  I’m sorry, Ozzy, what are you leading?  Your alliance of one?  Or your tribe of people who neither like nor respect you?  Cochran said it best: “He’s just behaving like a stupid bitch.”

Mikayla Fails at Slingshots, Life

Mikayla really did suck at the immunity challenge.  And she was a stubborn dumbass for not just dropping out when it became obvious that her coconut-slinging skills were subpar.  If you suck at a challenge, there’s not much you can do other than step aside so the others can get it done.  Refusing to step aside tells the tribe that your ego is more important than teamwork.

I’ve never liked Mikayla.  I think she’s whiny, not all that intelligent, and she’s yet to make me laugh at all.  Plus, she gave Brandon a tingly feeling in his privates, although I guess I can’t really hold that against her, since that’s about the only entertainment she’s brought to the season.  I’m not at all disappointed Mikayla got voted out.  I’m just happy they kept Edna.  I like Edna.  She knows exactly how to kiss Coach’s ass.  I hope she makes it far.

Other Notes

  • Coach, when considering whether he should tell Brandon about the idol, said “Is witholding information lying?  It’s a gray area.”  HOW OLD ARE YOU?!
  • Rick is no longer invisible!  How exciting!  Although I must say, his voice is disappointingly un-twangy.
  • I love Edna’s makeshift visor.  It appears to be made out of a treemail and a string.  It makes me laugh every time I see it.  It’s just so ridiculous looking.
  • Brandon, when trying to tell Jeff that the next challenge was crucial to Upolu’s success post-merge, said “This next challenge is detrimental to the way this game turns out.”  It’s OK, Brandon.  Words are hard.
  • Edna’s little vote confessional to Mikayla was possibly the best I’ve ever heard.  As she held up Mikayla’s name, she said, “I hope your time here has helped your future modeling career.”  Edna, you passive-aggressive bitch!  Brilliant!

Taste the Victory 10/12

Survivor: South Pacific delivered yet again last night.  They’re showing significantly less Redemption Island footage this season, allowing for more time to develop the plot in the “real” game.  Whether this was an intentional format change or simply a coincidence, I don’t know.  But I like it.

Redemption Island

The episode started out with Stacey and Christine griping on RI.  Stacey is a bitter bitch, but she makes me laugh.  She said her tribe was “going to hell with gasoline drawers on,” for chrissake.  Where does she come up with this stuff?  Once she got into her whole “Benjamin” speech at the duel, though, it became apparent that she’s legitimately off her rocker and should probably be medicated.  Her one-liners will be missed.

Coach “Don’t Call Me Benjamin” Wade

Coach seems to have erased a lot of his progress this week.  For the past few episodes he’s been coming across as a lot more mature, sane, and likable than past seasons.  But last night, Coach was back to doing Coach things (calling himself “Dragon” after finding the idol, for example).  It’s only a matter of time before the stories about pygmy cannibals start up again.  Sigh.

Middle-Aged Ozzy

Over on Savaii, Ozzy continues to prove that he’s learned nothing from his past failures in this game.  He’s still the same old judgmental, narcissistic guy he always was, only now he’s older and less in-shape.  He really thought he was running the game up until Elyse was blindsided, and I was happy to see him knocked down a few pegs. I can’t wait to see how that whole storyline unfolds next week, and I’m sure he’ll be needing his hidden immunity idol soon enough.

Whose Meat Weighs the Most?

The immunity challenge made the middle schooler in me giggle.  It was one “That’s what she said” after another.  Who doesn’t love a good inadvertent penis joke (or twenty)?  Both teams fought hard to fit the most meat in their mouths (teehee), but ultimately, Upolu’s meat was more massive (haha) and they won immunity.  They also won reward, which consisted of spices, veggies, and all 22 pounds of regurgitated meat from the challenge.  Yum.

Coch-Train Survives Again

While I would have loved to see Ozzy go last night, Savaii needs to keep their tribe strong until the merge, so Elyse was the next best thing.  I think they made a wise decision.  I do, however, think that Keith & Whitney were dumb to vote for Dawn.  I know they were trying to avoid ruffling any feathers, but being non-committal like that often has the opposite effect. They’ve made it clear that they’re not really loyal to either side, and wild cards can be perceived as very threatening in this game.

I’ll be interested to see who wins the duel next week.  I’m also very excited to see how Ozzy handles the realization that he’s not running the game anymore.  I can’t wait for next week’s episode!